Who am I when the (Social) Price is High?

Have you ever said you liked something when you actually didn’t? For example maybe you said you liked a tv show, a musician, or even a type of food that you actually did not care for. What was the situation? How did that feel? What, if anything, happened as a result? 

We have all likely done something uncomfortable for the sole purpose of wanting to be accepted by others. For example, maybe you wore a uniform that you thought was ugly to fit in with the rest of a team. Or you ate the dinner that your new friend made you even though you really dislike kale.

Now, let’s raise the stakes:  When, if ever, have you (or a friend/family member) ever felt like you needed to believe a certain thing or support a certain cause as “price for admission” into a group? Or heard a story of someone else being in that position?

It’s human nature to seek belonging in community with others, and yet it can sometimes feel difficult to find a community where you can be authentic and express all parts of yourself – especially as we are living in polarizing times.  So often we feel pressure to pick a side (democrat or republican; feminist or anti-feminist; pro-peace or pro-war; or even pro-drinking-alcohol or against-drinking-alcohol) and feel pressure to conceal everything about ourselves that does not align with that side.  

• What’s a situation where you have been struggling to be fully yourself, or you feel like you have to hide or suppress a part of yourself?  Be as specific as you can be as we’ll come back to this situation at the end. (This can be shared in small groups or kept private, but everyone should have a specific situation in mind. )

Possible responses: you want to hang with your friends on the weekend but they have plans to get drunk and you are not into drinking; your new group of friends frequently talk about how much they hate a certain musician, and you haven’t figured out how to tell them that you love that musician; you want to join the feminist club at school but it has not been welcoming to supporters of Israel. 

In the Book of Esther, the “Megillah”which takes place in ancient Persia, we recount the origins of the Purim holiday.  Queen Esther of the Purim story faced a situation where she decided to hide a part of herself. When Esther went to the palace to try out for the position of queen, her cousin Mordechai advised her to keep her Jewish identity hidden because he believed it would make it more likely she would become queen. And she continued hiding her identity even after she became queen. 

But hiding her Jewish identity did not mean that Esther gave up her Jewish practices. In fact, she kept kosher secretly, eating only seeds and fruit at the palace. She also assigned herself seven maids, one for each day of the week. That way, the Shabbat maid would not question why she behaved differently on Shabbat! 

Then, after she learned from Mordechai about Haman’s plot to kill the Jews, she had the courage to tell the king that she was Jewish and that Haman was planning to kill her people. In revealing her Jewish identity, she persuaded the king to stop Haman’s plan and save the Jewish people. 

You can learn more about Queen Esther here.

We are full of contradictions and polarities. We hold many identities, experiences, interests, aspirations and fears. We sometimes hold two (or more!) contradictory perspectives at once. 

Consider a battery – it has two poles that help it to power a machine. If it only had a positive pole or only a negative poll, it would no longer work. So too, we need to attune to the polarities, contradictions, and opposing perspectives within us in order to be authentic to ourselves. 

This next activity will invite you to explore the different sides of you. Consider this question: What are the contradictions or polarities I hold within myself?

To begin to process what this is, we’ll each journal our responses to these prompts:

• I love _____ but I also love ______
• I support ______ but I also support _______
• Sometimes I feel afraid to tell people that I am _______
• I find it challenging to be _______ and ______, because _______
• I have friends who ____ and I also have friends who _____

We’re now going to illustrate these contradictions we hold within ourselves on paper. The aim is to be intentional about your illustration. What paper sizes, colors, shapes, tools like scissors or hands for ripping, and so on, can best illustrate what it’s like for you to hold these contrasting beliefs/ perspectives within you.